Miles 1801.5 | We summited Mount Moosilauke, crossed mile 1800, reunited with my parents at the trailhead, and returned home for the first time in six months. What should have been pure celebration became emotionally overwhelming as trail life collided with home life, leading to exhaustion, miscommunication, and a late-night reckoning about growth, positivity, love, and what it means to bring your trail self back into the real world.
Together, the Blackbird, Krafty, Miles, and I summitted Moosilauke and crossed Mile 1800 then descended the gnarly mountain. My parents met us at the trailhead after we summited. On our way down the mountain Blackbird and I talked about Trail Name Here (the original name of this blog) and some exciting ideas for the future of the site.
I was happy to see Bonnie when I got home:
When we arrived at the parking lot I went and changed into my pajamas so I wouldn't smell totally bad for my parents. They pulled up in their station wagon and brought us McDonalds, still warm in insulated lunch boxes. We shared with Willow, Magic Pants, and G-Weezy too. Tangerine arrived just after my parents and we gave her a ride into Lincoln, below Moosilauke. Once we dropped her off where she needed to be, we headed down toward home.
But it was, honestly, really overwhelming to go home. Everything was overwhelming. The car ride home was filled with town gossip and catching up on what has been happening in the valley. Miles was tired and overwhelmed. I was happy to be with my parents again. I'd never been away from them for so long. The hour long car ride home was filled with chatter.
When we got to Fryeburg I picked up my van from Fryeburg Motors, my parents shop, and drove Miles and I home from their. The ten minute drive was filled with Miles telling me why he was upset with me. He felt like I'd become a totally different person in the car home with my parents, he said. What happened to our quiet car ride home because we're all tired? He went on to ask me. He told me he wanted to go back to the trail in the morning. He didn't want to stay with us he wanted to hike by himself.
We had planned on sleeping in the van, like I usually did when I was home, because my parents house was very small. He didn't want to sleep in the van with me. He set up his tent in the yard and brought all of his stuff out to it. I couldn't understand what he meant about me being a different person. He freaked out at me and I, in turn, freaked out at him, defensively. I didn't get it. I was happy to see my parents and I wanted to hear about valley happenings. Our family was really involved in our community. A new coffee shop was in town, my parents had owned the last one that was in town. Turmoil in town government and the outcome of the vote on a Poland Springs proposal that I hadn't heard about yet.
To Miles it all seemed like gossip, but to us it was our small town community. Sure, some of it might have been a bit gosippy, but I wasn't being negative and I wasn't saying anything that would harm anyone or wishing anyone ill. He told me I was being really negative and I wasn't being empathetic at all. From my perspective, he wasn't from a small town, his family wasn't integrated in the community as much as ours was, maybe he didn't understand. What felt to me like catching up with my parents and my hometown, felt to him like toxic negative gossip.
I also reminded him, once again, the he's been working for years on being positive and choosing the happy route. I'd only been working on my positivity and changing my attitude since February. It takes time. Sometimes people slip. Sometimes people give into negativity when they're put in an environment that they used to be negative in. Sometimes it's difficult to stay on top. He told me he wanted to be left alone. So I left him in his tent. I tried to sleep inside with Bonnie. I cuddled my cat for hours. I was so happy to see her, but I felt torn apart.
I felt bad that Miles didn't feel welcome in my life at home. I felt horrible that we had fought and he was sort of right, in a way, I wasn't totally being positive and I should've been a bit more positive. I also felt like he was wrong in a way, though. I wasn't that bad and I don't think he was taking into account his feeling overwhelmed. I couldn't sleep without resolving our argument. I wanted to stay home for another day. Take a zero before I go back to trail and maybe slackpack for another day.
I didn't want to lose Miles, though. Meeting him was one of the best things that ever happened to me. And sure, if it is meant to be it will be, but I also just felt like he misunderstood everything that had happened that day and I wanted him to just be open and talk to me about it. I couldn't sleep if we were fighting so I just stayed awake, even though my body was tired.
At 3am it began to pour outside. He was still in his tent. I heard yelling from outside the window and I went outside to check on him. I tried to get him to move into the van. I told him I'd sleep inside and he could have the van to himself. He moved into the van, his gear had gotten wet in the rain. "Now I can't go back to the trail tomorrow if my gear is wet!" He complained. He was upset still. I brought him blankets and pillows. and set him up in the van. I sat there and begged him to talk to me.
Finally, at 4am, we talked it out. We resolved everything. I promised to be more positive and work on gossiping less. He told me he would be more open minded tomorrow. "Fine I'll stay another day," He said with a huff. I told him I loved him and that I didn't want to lose him. I knew that splitting up on trail didn't necessarily mean that I would lose him. But after seeing me at home, it felt like he didn't like me anymore. He told me he loved me, too. And we went to bed at last.