Miles: 703.4 | A zero day that was supposed to be restful turns emotionally heavy. I wake up grumpy, sore, and already on edge, and while pancakes, muscle rolling, and catching up with friends help my body, town stress hits hard. A rushed resupply, changing plans, and feeling unheard trigger a panic spiral that leaves me frustrated with myself and with Miles. After tears, a long call with my mom, and some honest reflection, I realize how differently we handle town and trail—and how much we already balance each other out. The day ends quietly with journaling, damp laundry packed a little too soon, and choosing a couch over a bunk, carrying both lingering tension and a clearer sense of perspective into the night.
I woke up tired and grumpy. I sat up in my top bunk and looked out over the room. Josh caught my eye from the couch and made a big grumpy face and laughed. I, apparently, was scowling (typical). I got up brushed my teeth outside by the spigot. Miles and I had already agreed that we would be zeroing here on this day because we needed to get some resupply and laundry done.
The hostel leaves a large bag of pancake mix, some farm fresh eggs from their chickens (I've had more farm fresh hostel eggs on this trip than I did when I had chickens at my own house!), and coffee. All for free use for the hikers.
I fired up the griddle and made some pancakes for us both. I was hungry and didn't feel like waiting, even though Miles had said he would make me some. I was grumpy. It annoyed me that he didn't make me breakfast because I made all of the breakfast last time (more on this later...). Someone asked me to leave the pancake stuff out because they were also going to make some, so I left it.
Tang found Captain Ahab's Muscle roller and asked me to roll him out if he rolled me out. I had been feeling so tight and stiff when I woke up. I'd been pushing myself too hard and not sleeping enough to recover. Recovering is not my strong suit. I'd been wanting someone to roll me out. I got rid of my muscle roller when I was at Boots Off hostel because it was just too heavy and I'd heard mixed things from experts about whether or not I should be using it every day.
If I couldn't use it every day, it wasn't worth carrying. It was a pound and a half, the equivalent of nearly 1 day's food, and my pack was already too heavy. Tang rolled me out on a bottom bunk, paying special attention to my IT band. When I stood up, I felt SO MUCH BETTER. I could actually move my legs. I rolled him out, paying special attention to his calves, his usual problem spot. Man, I missed that guy!
I went outside after this and played with Sparty for a little bit. I talked to Josh. It'd been a while since we last caught up. He told me he was happy I found Miles and that it seemed like I had grown a lot since he last saw me.
He noticed I'd become more calm, less negative, and more confident. I appreciated his honesty and I'm glad he could see progress. I'd been working really hard on growing as a person. And, he's right, Miles had helped me get there. Miles was always reminding me not to complain and to accept things as they came instead of worrying.
I took a shower. Honestly, worst shower of the whole trail for me. It was so nice that it was essentially 'free' because it was donation based and the water was warm, but there were no towels of any kind and it was terribly dirty. I showered as quickly as I could, missing some dirt in the dim light of the bathroom. I used my town dress to dry off and realized that it was terribly nonabsorbent....
Eventually I was dry enough to put my clothes on and the entire 20 minutes I was in the bathroom showering, four people knocked on the door because it also happened to be the only sink and toilet at the hostel so dishes from the kitchen also needed to be washed in their and people needed to do their business. Not the best set up, in my opinion. But, I've stayed in worse places.
I combined Miles and my laundry and put them in the washer behind the bunk house. Right after this, Midnight was running a shuttle to the store. I was in the shower when he made the announcement that we needed to order the pizza from the store ahead of time if we wanted one. When I got in the car I asked him if he would be coming back around to pick us up.
I usually need a lot of time in stores because they are really overwhelming for me. This also was a gas station convenience store that carried a couple of hiker things (overpriced ramen and rice sides) not a full resupply so I was going to have to get creative. He said no, he was just going to wait outside for ten minutes and that was it. I was annoyed.
I'd been annoyed all day but this annoyed me more. I apologized and told him that I needed to get lunch and resupply and that I didn't think ten minutes would be enough for me. He rolled his eyes and told me firmly that he told everyone to order ahead, that he was just dropping some people off at the restaurant and that he would come back but that would only take ten minutes. He said we'd see how long it takes and maybe he could come back for me or wait.
I went into the store with Miles. Originally, I'd asked if he wanted to share a pizza and he had said he probably would. But when we got to the store he decided he didn't want to do that anymore. I didn't want to eat a whole pizza by myself (wow my baby 700 mile self had no idea what hunger was, I could definitely eat a whole pizza by myself now) so I tried to look at their other options. I started to panic.
My plan for the store wasn't going the way I'd hoped, I didn't know what to get for lunch and their was no food at the hostel and my food bag was nearly empty. My eyes welled with tears. I felt a panic attack coming on. I got mad at myself. A panic attack?! Right now?! Really?! You're better than that, com on. We've made progress!! I thought to myself.
I went around and got some resupply items as quickly as I could and made my way back to the register. I asked Miles, angrily, "Well what are you going to have for dinner if you don't have pizza?" He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "I don't know but I'll figure it out, calm down." I got mad.
He checked out and went outside. Midnight was back and waiting in the car. Most of the other hikers were done. I still hadn't ordered anything. I was hungry. I needed food. When I got to the register I found out the pizzas were $10, one size, any toppings.
I said fuck it and ordered one for myself. They didn't have any of the toppings I wanted except for mushrooms and some meats so I just ordered those. I paid for my resupply. I definitely got too much stuff, but I had panicked. A panic attack still bubbled just below the surface but I was trying to keep it together.
I brought my resupply outside and sat with Miles at a picnic bench in front of the gas station convenience store. "I don't get it." He said to me, "You don't need to be freaking out. Everything is fine. Everything will work out. Worst comes to worse to walk to the hostel, no biggie." He truly didn't get why I was freaking out. Tears started streaming down my face. I was freaking out.
I knew he was right and that I didn't need to freak out so badly but I also was mad. He should be able to see my side. That this was difficult for me. That this wasn't according to my usual plan and that this wasn't how I usually did things. I knew I needed to let go of that and be more comfortable with things like this, plans changing and such, but it was hard for me. I didn't want to have to walk back to the hostel. I didn't want to have to buy over priced gas station food. But, he was partly right, everything was fine, everything would work out, it would all be okay.
Midnight pulled back up to the store in the hostel's SUV. I was still crying. I tried to pull it together. I was still mad that Miles didn't understand and wasn't even trying to. I went back inside to check on my pizza. Five more minutes they said. We waited and talked to Midnight. He said this happens all the time, the pizzas take forever, that's why he likes to spread the word to order ahead of time.
When the pizza was finally done, Midnight took Miles and I back to the hostel. Miles was right, Midnight wasn't just going to leave us there and make us walk back. This resupply would work. I was still frustrated, though. I know sometimes my panic attacks aren't totally necessary but I have them, and I have very little control over them, and they happen for a reason, usually. They'd actually been happening a lot lately. Too much. It was frustrating me. I'd improved so much out here mentally but somehow I was still having a lot of panic attacks.
Back at the hostel I left our pizza on the table while I went and got our laundry out. I hung it up on the line while it was still sunny, it had rained last night and more rain was in the forecast. They had a dryer but by the time we got back to the store it wasn't available for the rest of the day. I stood under the clothes line away from everyone and called my mom. I told her about the panic attacks and Miles and how annoyed I was.
It wasn't just that he didn't understand, it was also that I felt like he wasn't pulling his weight in town. Town was overwhelming for him, too, he told me, but he often just decided that he didn't care enough to put up with town and he would leave unprepared. He survived, of course, but I'd rather be over prepared. I also liked to get chores done as early as possible in town so that I can spend the rest of the day relaxing and not worrying about it. He's the opposite. He'll relax and get them done as late as possible. If we're sharing laundry and breakfasts his strategy and my strategy didn't work together and it bothered me that he didn't put an effort to do either the laundry or the breakfast.
My mom pointed out that I needed to look at it from his perspective, he was right it would get done eventually no matter what. She also said we're separate people, separate hikers, we don't have to do all of our town stuff together. She was right. In the past, like with Josh and Tang, we did quite a few of our chores separately.
Lastly, I realized, in the woods he does a lot of things for me. He always sets up his tent by himself (even when we share it), he often offers to blow up my sleeping pad for me and my pillow, he sometimes even boils water for me for my dinners, and he usually hangs a bear line for both of us. He does a lot for me and I should be thankful. And me doing all of the town chores (which I really don't mind doing and I am far more efficient at than him) balances out the partnership. I realized I had not reason to really be angry aside from the fact that he didn't understand my panic attacks. But, honestly, I didn't understand them either. I just wished he supported me more through them, but that's a lot to ask of anyone.
After my chat with my mom I caught up with Dragon. She seemed to be doing well and even made a lot of new friends. She was still behind me a ways but it was so good to hear from her. She understood my panic attacks more than anyone, because she often got them, too. Sometimes you just need someone to sympathize.
I went back down to the bunkhouse and ate my half of the pizza. I sat on a couch and journaled and blogged. Miles played chess on the hostel chess board. It started raining so I went out and took down our laundry. Most of mine was still damp (thanks a lot Nike...never drying clothing) but Miles' was mostly dry. I figured it was only damp it should be fine and I just packed it up. BIG MISTAKE you'll see....
I decided to sleep on a couch that night instead of in a bunk. The mattresses were pretty hard and I didn't sleep well that night before. I went to bed around 10pm with most everyone else.
Day 78: Zero Day Tension, Panic, and Perspective